This is my fortune from Sunday's family take-out dinner. To be determined whether this 'love affair' will be with drugs (serotonin–norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors) or with alcohol (drinking alone vs. 'recreational' drinking with my cat, Hank. I have him trained to meow for help if I am under duress or passed out).

I think it is important to take into consideration when getting acquainted with me that I have been taking psychotropic medications every day since the age of sixteen. Meaning, if you can't figure out who I am underneath the muddled brain chemistry, that's fine, because neither can I. What Is My Brain Like Not On Drugs? TV personality, Dr. Phil advocates that the brain continues to grow throughout the twenties and argues that the underdeveloped adolescent brain is to blame for the bad choices so many of his troublesome teen guests make, such as sexting or playing choking games. I feel that the prolonged heavy drug use throughout my formative years has shaped me into the snarky, disillusioned young adult I am today. And who am I really without that morbid sense of humor or those unusual quirks?

Previously, I had been the kind of socially maladjusted, suffocated child who was perpetually babied by parents (i.e. Only Child born to an Only Child syndrome). Fittingly, among the myriad things I could not do on my own, swallowing pills was one of them. My early adolescence was spent doubling up on the recommended dosage of children's liquid Tylenol whenever I had a headache, usually caused by my father thundering down the stairs to the basement in a race to get to the phone and dial CHUM FM in time to be Caller 10 and 'Beat the Bank'. When the option of taking Effexor at 16 was presented, I figured a liquid anti-depressant wouldn't have the same sort of artificial fruity flavor so I practiced swallowing pills in the same vein I had practiced everything else that hadn't come naturally to me - with shame and in secrecy. Notable other examples of this behavior would be attempting to put my hair into a ponytail that never looked quite right or learning to jump rope in my backyard at nighttime at the age of thirteen so I wouldn't fail the skipping portion of the physical fitness evaluation in gym class.

As of 2003, popping pills with ease has become one of my more refined skills. I've taken SSRIs, mood stabilizers, benzos, acne antidotes, iron, sedatives, stimulants, birth control and accidentally, calcium supplements meant for women over fifty. Toying with the idea of starting an SNRI for the first time this spring/summer does not bolster my spirits or provide the false hope of eventually having a Normal Life. Instead, I am going to write to the Make a Wish Foundation and ask for electroshock therapy for my 23rd birthday in July.